Thought Bubbles
For almost a year I have been contemplating a legal gender change.
It all started with a mischievous exploration. My girlfriend has a Green Card, and I don’t, and being an immigrant can be kind of scary sometimes, even if it’s all legal and squared away. So instead of eternally waiting for this “gay marriage” thing to boil over, why not bypass the entire system and change my gender? (*) Yet slowly this vague proposition began to congeal into a viable possibility.
Harsh Realities
Legalize Trans*
My full legal name and legal gender are still used everywhere – IDs, official documents, passports, credit cards, health insurance, lease, airline miles programs. Basically everywhere I go which constitutes an “official” transaction of some sort will involve my legal name, which is enough to gender me as Ms. or ma’am. Somehow it always involves my legal gender as well, which 99% of the time is irrelevant to the situation, but there it is regardless.
As I continue further into my path of transition, it becomes increasingly bothersome. It “outs” me, begging more questions than necessary. It causes embarrassment and shame. It prompts me to avoid certain situations; something as commonplace as a credit card transaction to buy lunch stirs unnecessary worry.
Where there is anguish, there is a problem, and one must seek a solution. I’ve come to feel that being stuck in this “female” category sucks. If I could get my way, I’d choose Neutral. But I can’t. Forced to choose, I’d choose the designation “male” over “female” any day.
Rationale
This may seem like very obvious choice now, but it’s been simmering for a while. Countless times I’ve had to wrestle with myself. Initially it was difficult to justify why I’d want to go through so much trouble for something that is ulitmately not going to take me where I want to be. I am not a man, nor am I “male” – transmasculine, perhaps. But then, is where I am really any better? How much do I need to justify wanting to be [classified as] male over not wanting to not be [classified as] female?
At this point in my transition, being forced to “out” myself as female rather than male is just doing me no good. It’s demoralizing, as if I haven’t advanced at all. My transition is rendered pointless, nonexistent, invalid.
Being male, at least on paper, is a step in the right direction.
(*) After some research, we learned that obtaining a federal marriage would not be advantageous to me getting a Green Card, because my girlfriend is not a US Citizen so the process takes about as much as if I were to wait and get it through my job. Thus the original conundrum is no longer a point of contention in this matter. Regardless, I still relish in informing people that I am skipping around the law when it comes to marriage.
I wish you the best on all the legal fronts you are facing, and may I say you are a cute fella there, maddox! I hope whatever path you choose next you enjoy yourself and feel wonderful.
thank you – in the end it IS all about feeling wonderful! I hope to stay cute well into my 50′s.
This brings up some good points. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Good points. Best of luck in working through this stuff.
maddox,
I don’t know what the requirements are for legal change of gender where you live, but it’s not so easy where I live. According to some sources, you even have to have had SRS. In any case, it’s quite the process to go through when the result isn’t even what you really want.
I am forced to consider the same dilemna for myself. When you say “If I could get my way, I’d choose Neutral. But I can’t. Forced to choose”, I feel like I could have written those words myself. It’s not the first time you’ve written something I felt I could have written myself, too.
I very much admire your courage, and I am very pleased that you take the time to share your thoughts and feelings in this blog. Yet I am highly reluctant to follow some of the same steps you have followed. On the one hand, transitioning (partially) to the other binary gender seems like the right thing to do because it feels much less wrong than the status quo. On the other hand, it’s just as much of a lie as the status quo… maybe moreso because I would have actively sought it rather than fallen involuntarily into it. Please tell me if it’s too rude, but would it be OK to ask how you justify this “lie” to yourself?
I wish you luck and success.
-v
Yes, in some countries it is a very difficult, costly, and oftentimes humiliating process to change your legal gender. I have an update on that next week. Sometimes it is impossible, and many people forgo the option because it’s too much of a hassle, or they don’t meet the requirements.
As for your question “how you justify this “lie” to yourself?” regarding transitioning: Every step I have taken towards my transition feels right for me. None of it is a lie, I am always being true to myself.
It is sometimes tricky to come to the conclusion of whether it is right for me, or of why it is right for me (in which case, it doesn’t matter why, as long as I feel good about it). But the status quo has not been an option for me for a long time – I feel stuck, and with each day I feel that is indeed more of a lie. “Less wrong” is still a little better, and I’ll take better over worse any day. Please, consider that these feelings have taken years to evolve. Even though I have always felt discomfort with my assigned gender, it has taken time to realize that I do indeed feel more comfortable on the other side as I continue to push the boundaries.
In the end it’s about being happy, and if it makes you happier, even with all that hassle, it’s probably worth it.
Thanks for your reply. It’s helpful. You’re right, of course. If one way is a lie but the other way is more of a lie, the better choice is obvious.
I’ve always thought that moving in the general direction of the other binary gender is nonsensical for me because it’s aiming toward a target I don’t want to reach, a place I don’t want to go. But if it’s a less bad place than the one I’m in now… could I be wanting too much, expecting a perfect solution when there is none to be had?
So which way is less of a lie for me? Aren’t they both lies in equal measure? Maybe not. I don’t know anymore. Ugh. And even if they are both equal, there’s always this mostly-whimsical argument that I can’t quite shake even if it’s not serious: if I’ve lived one lie for such a long time, why not live the other lie instead in compensation?
I’m taking this under consideration. I actually still have serious doubts I could pull off a transition even if I wanted to, but still… under consideration.
My thoughts exactly! I do wish there were an “N” or “O” for neutral or other. I’ve heard they do that in Australia, maybe I’ll move there someday just to get that…but in all seriousness, it’s incredibly difficult trying to get the marker changed generally, regardless of F, M, or anything else. Does CA require you to have surgery first? I’ve heard that’s the case for a good majority of states, although I’ll know about Illinois soon enough, I suppose. Supposedly they’re pretty trans* inclusive there.
To legally change your gender in the US is actually not as hard as people think. It depends on:
The most common is getting a gender change for a Driver’s License or State ID. This often just requires a “medical letter” where it’s usually enough for a therapist or other medical provider to sign off on your “gender treatment.”
Check out these two resources for more information:
http://transequality.org/Resources/DL/DL_policies.html
http://www.tsroadmap.com/reality/drivers-license.html
I have a second post related to this.
Awesome, thanks! I’m so embarrassed that you know more about the US than I do…and I’m a native! >_<
All this really reminds me to I was talking about yesterday with one of my best friends who is agender (I’m ftn). We were talking about how filling surveys and other forms can be so upsetting because there’s almost never a third option and I told her that when the thing was anonymous, or something were I could mark male (as I did with my pottermore account) I would, just to be contrary and not mark on female.
Alas I don’t know if I would change my gender to M tho I’d love to get an N becuase for doing all those papers I’d have to be out to my family (I’m not) so if I’d be going out, it’d be for the N this may relate to the fact I love my first name enough not to want to change it -although I’d get rid of the second- because certainly I wouldn’t be able to keep my name. Then again all this really depends on what you want, and I do understand your decision so go for it, a lots of luck
Yep, the sentiment from most non-binary people, especially those who identify as agender or neutrois, is that they don’t want to bother with the hassle of changing legal genders, unless there would be an N option. It is a huge hassle, and definitely not worth it unless it’s something you really want.
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