This is new to me, and I really don’t know who to talk to right now. I love my girlfriend and I want to be good to her. I feel stupid sometimes, as I don’t know what she is going through.
There is also stuff that I just need to process for me. It’s just an adjustment, you know? My girlfriend has a penis. It’s a thing.
I could really use some outside support. I mean, I’m going to find a counselor and all of that; I’m not looking for counseling. Maybe just sharing perspective with another person who has a trans partner. How to be a good partner, how to support them even though you can’t understand some of the things they are going through.
Thank you very much for writing. I’m sure your girlfriend will appreciate you reaching out to help yourself – because a relationship is about two people, even when one is transitioning!
As a partner, the only person you can go to usually is your (trans) partner, and sometimes you need an outsider’s perspective to sort things out.
To get you started, I did some digging and found a bunch of links to blogs or articles you might be interested in. Most of these deal with an FTM partner, which will be different from your case – as you say, “it’s a thing” – but they might be useful anyway.
- From My Partner: The 1,2,3 of Being the Significant Other
- From My Partner: Significant Love
- From my Reader Ramblings series: SOFFAs not Couches
- First Time Second Time: blog about a queer family, where one of the parents came out as trans last year. Their perspective is unique because they both write about their family, their transition, and each other. I recommend you start with “Thoughts for partners of Trans* people“
- TransPartners Project: “This is a project devoted to exploring (and historicizing) the experience of partners of transmen.”
- “South East SOFFA: A firsthand SOFFA Account of Transition in the South East” and the article “How I introduce my boyfriend“
- Matt Kailey has some very relevant articles as well, about dating a trans woman, talking to my new love about her transition, and a teen in a relationship with a transgirl.
It’s definitely a lot harder to find information for and by partners than about trans people transitioning, or trans people talking about their partners.
I would encourage you to find a trans support group in your area. Even if it is not for partners (make sure partners are welcome), hearing others’ stories will help you understand what it is like to be trans, and be able to connect more with your girlfriend’s experiences. It’ll prepare for the kind of stuff that can come up during transition for your trans partner, for you, and for your relationship. You’ll also get to meet other trans people, chat about diverse experiences, and perhaps even get the chance ask someone (who isn’t your partner) all the questions you’re itching to ask.
Lastly, I definitely recommend counseling or therapy. However, make sure this person is sympathetic to your situation. They don’t necessarily have to be a gender specialist or know about trans issues per se (though it would help if they’re familiar), but do find someone who will respect your relationship and your girlfriend’s identity right off the bat. You might want to ask your local Queer center for counseling referrals, because not all counselors are equipped to deal with LGBTQ issues. Therapy will not solve everything, but it will give you tools to help you cope with it, process your feelings, think through situations, and understand yourself and your partner better.
If you have other specific questions, I’d be glad to forward them to my partner so she can answer them instead of me.