Just as a matter of record, I was wondering, what do I look like to a stranger

So dear readers, followers, fans, companions and friends, even if you have seen pictures or (god forbid!) awful videos, without peeking at anything else, just jot your thoughts down in the comements. Right now.

How do you see me?

Reblogged from GID Reform Weblog by Kelley Winters:

Kelley Winters, Ph.D. GID Reform Advocates www.gidreform.org

The American Psychiatric Association announced a third and final period of public comment on proposed diagnostic criteria for the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), ending June 15.  Criteria for the draft diagnostic categories of Gender Dysphoria in Children and Gender Dysphoria in Adolescents or Adults (formerly Gender Identity Disorder, or GID) are unchanged from the…

Read more… 341 more words

Final Public Comment Period For Proposed DSM-5 Criteria Ends June 15

This is an extremely important issue. Gender Dysphoria will continue to be pathologized by the psychological and psychiatric community, creating more barriers for transgender and gender non-conforming people from receiving appropriate medical care and treatment with regards to transition.

Their specific diagnostic criteria continue to characterize gender identities and expressions that differ from birth-assigned roles as pathological and therefore contradict access to medical transition care, for those who need it, rather than lower its barriers.

Read the full article to see What You Can Do Now.

Some people have asked me what others said about me being flat chested at work. Rather, a flat-chested girl. Since I didn’t go from boobs to flat, I can’t speak for the change in chest. But trust me, the #1 thing people notice about binding is… absolutely nothing. They don’t. (Except my mother, who just glared at my chest without wanting to bring up the subject.) And passing as a boy or not is also highly unrelated to binding. Same with surgery! Some people still think I have boobs (small ones! but they’re convinced something’s there). They see what they want to see.

So at my next job, job number two, I transitioned a bit more. When I arrived they asked me about my name, because I used Mich already as shorthand in emails and such. It naturally came up in conversation, and so I assented to go by Mich. Once somebody starts calling you something, it sticks, especially since I was starting a new job in a new city. So now pretty much everybody I interact with calls me that, and I can’t stand when people call me by my old name. At this job there was a very relaxed atmosphere. It was 7-10 people and to say there was no HR department is an understatement; at times we were more like roommates than coworkers. Not to mention that out of 10 people, another was a gay furry into BDSM and another was a transgirl – and we all knew this and talked of it openly. So I was pretty out as queer, but mildly out as transgender. I always corrected people when they said I was a lesbian, and we made fun that I looked like my boss’ son. This is where I wore my “Legalize Trans” shirt, which sparked conversation on the subject. Some people “got” it, some didn’t.

I’m now at my third job. When I was hired, I was smack in the middle of everything, and hadn’t decided exactly how I wanted to handle my “public” gender. I was still fighting against being forced to choose male or female. In the end it was too late, and ‘girl’ was chosen for me, before I had the guts to say anything, or had firmly decided to take it in the opposite direction.

At this point, I really don’t want to bother coming out at this job, because it’s a much larger company inside a humongous corporation (even though I have my own little ways of acting up, gender-wise). All of my coworkers are pretty much strangers – most I’ve never even met in person, or at all – and I don’t relish in the thought of strangers knowing strange things about me. Besides, it’s only temporary, I will be leaving this job soonish.

In between I’ve taken an important step in affirming my “public” gender as male. Because again, for practical purposes you’ve got to choose, and it’s taken me 2 years, but I’ve finally realized that I feel so damn uncomfortable with people seeing me, treating me, labeling me, and categorizing me as female. Since I really wouldn’t mind at all if the seeing and the treating and categorizing were male instead, then there’s nothing wrong with that except waiting any longer.

So I’ve resolved to slowly come out to friends and family and start correcting people who are above the ranks of anonymous strangers. Above all, at my next job I will definitely be out as transgender. I even wrote the FAQ section already for the next update to my professional portfolio, in which I include a big disclaimer on my (trans)gender identity, in hopes that I can avoid correcting people in person as most as possible. Or at the very least will have the guts (and a good excuse) to do it.

At the old office, I was blessed with two single stall bathrooms, which were designated gender neutral (they were obviously not designed as gender neutral, since one had a urinal, and the other had the ‘feminine hygene products’ disposal, but luckily they had been stripped of their signs). So when I had to pee, I just got up and went.

As we got word of the impending move, more than cubes and desks and Aeron chairs I had one thing on my mind: bathrooms. I nervously waited to find out what the situation would be like at the new office, and when I finally got a peek of the floor plans, my fears were confirmed: only two gendered bathrooms on the floor.

The gears in my mind began to turn as I struggled to come up with a plan. I could email HR – which in this new conglomerate means “logging a ticket” to empty space – and ask about the availability of a gender neutral bathroom in proximity of my office. So I waited, letting the anxiety build up while at the same time trying to brush it off as no big deal. Then I got the reply: there were no gender neutral bathrooms in the entire building, except one in the Lobby next to the security desk. “Well that’s that” I thought, as I tried to rationalize the inconvenience.

Days before, I carefully laid out the plans I had made in anticipation of the move. I would ask for access to this bathroom in a far away place anyway, because at least I’d have a fallback. Unfortunately, the virtual HR person informed me that this bathroom in the lobby was no longer available (there were new shops in the lobby) and there was one available on the 41st floor (for which I have to go down to the lobby and take a different elevator up) but the security manager wanted an “end date” to when I wouldn’t require access to this bathroom. Sounds complicated? Now I had no fallback. But at least I still had the rest of my plans, which I had calmly thought out and worked through. I was prepared. I was ready.

Then the day of the big move came. It was a Friday, and I stepped into the new beehive, found my spot on the honeycomb, and thought I was going to die. Actually I think a part of me did die. But we’re not here to expound upon the soul-crushing effect the cubes had on me. It was more than that. I had to pee (as I always do, almost every hour) and my stomach plummeted as my heart fluttered.

“Just use the men’s room as planned, no big deal. Besides, it’s closer, so you have a good excuse.” My inner dialogue is so nonchalant. Why is it so important for me to use the men’s room? Because, why should I be forced to use the women’s? I have a right to choose, and I choose to be contraire. Oh, and not compromise my identity for fear of making others uncomfortable.

Yet little did I realize how uncomfortable I would be. Not to mention that these are horrible bathrooms in the first place – there are only two stalls in a floor of maybe 80 (most of which are men), the space between the stalls is like 5 inches wide so you can literally see through them, they are always full, and they smell terrible. All the guys I’ve talked to find them awkward and unnerving as well, so it’s not just me, in that sense. But it was just me totally freaking out on that first day on Friday, most likely undergoing an hours-long panic attack.

Well, this was certainly unexpected. I mean, I had notions of there being a potential issue, some awkwardness, some conscious thinking about bathrooms on my part, at least at first. But I was not expecting it to be an issue. But it was. It became an issue. Without my consent, without my anticipation, and without my understanding. I was confronted with a very visceral, emotional, uncontrollable reaction to something I had thought was already accounted for with logic and rationality.

At this point I can explain why or what triggered this particular reaction, and how come bathrooms are actually still an issue for me. But that’s not the point. The point is, it’s an issue for me, and that’s that. It deserves respect, and time, and acknowledgement.

It has since been a whole month, and I still struggle with the bathrooms, though not as much. Sometimes I use the men’s room on my floor, though I avoid it. The second week I had discovered that the 14th floor was empty, but this gloriousness was short-lived. Most of the time I go down a floor (though inconveniently there are no stairs), because it’s simply cleaner and it’s less likely to be crowded, and there’s less of an awkward run-in with a male coworker (of which almost all of them are). Sometimes I use the women’s room, because I just really have to go, and it’s clean, usually empty, and want to avoid the hassle of taking the elevator. Other times I go as far down as the cafeteria bathrooms, because I don’t want to be bothered with being anxious and worried, though clearly this move has already been prompted by relative anxiety and worry. Yet every single time, I pause. And think. And make a conscious choice.

Sometimes we can’t really find a solution, we just learn to deal with it. So while my conscience slowly rots under the fluorescent lighting, my bladder suffers more.

This is why your name is important.

Yet, as transgender and gender-aware people know so well, most names are inherently gendered, which is why most of us choose to change it. We didn’t choose our birth gender, and we didn’t choose our birth name; but we choose our new body, and we choose our new name. Somehow all other aspects of transition don’t have as many options as a name: the possibilities are infinite, and with it the difficulty of a decision increases exponentially.

Sometimes a name chooses us. Much like our gender, as hard as we tried to fit into this or that box, our place in the spectrum awaits us as soon as we discover it, already warm for when we’re ready to nestle into it. But other times, much like our gender and transition and all the choices we’ve had to make along the way, we agonize over our name, mull over a handful of the options, start going down one path only to realize we need to back up or start over.

One of my earlier experiments with names failed miserably. It turns out this was not the right name for me. But is there a “right” name? Or can I at most hold out for a close approximation? Will I be forever stuck with a name with which I can live by, but never truly feel at home in?

I can think of a sizeable number of names that I like, or would like to like. I dream of a name I can call mine, a name I can see myself in, a name that is ME. But it is just a dream.

Given this constant state of flux I’ve been in for years, not being able to see myself in my name – for perhaps my whole life – I’ve come to feel like there is no name at all that fits. It is, after all, called transition, wherein motion is implied. My transition is in progress, with no end in sight. And what is constant motion but a blur; what is the space between moleculues but emptiness; what is something that has no name but ineffable – undescribable, undefinable. Do I even exist without a name? What can I call ME? Who is ME?

Finding a name that “fits” has been one of the hardest parts of my transition.

Workshop

The workshop is titled Non-Binary Transition: Exploring the Options.

Blurb

So you’re genderqueer/non-binary, but you’re tired of talking – you want to DO something about it. Yet transition is still a murky topic. Which bathroom do I use? What can people call me? Do I have to lie to get hormones? Am I eligible for surgery? What about a legal name or gender change? When you’re outside, in the middle, or on the edge of the binary, these questions are often left unanswered. While nobody but you can say what’s best for you, there ARE a lot of options to pick and choose a transition path that is right for you. This presentation is geared towards those who identify as genderqueer, non-binary, or are simply considering a non-traditional route, are starting to think about transition and want to gather all the information that’s harder to get. It’s not meant as a GQ/NB 101, rather as a 201 – addressing the “what happens now?”

It is not intended to provide an overview of all transition options out there; rather, it’s to explore options people have when taking a non-standard route to transitioning, and to focus on the means of obtaining these. This includes clarifying a lot of misconceptions, outlining alternatives and loopholes, and most importantly encouraging people to seek out more resources and information, and to understand that what they want might just be possible.

Planning

My main worry is is that it ends up being a total disaster! Aside from that, I am struggling with narrowing the scope so as to be useful, but not repetivitve of basic concepts. Of course I want to be super knowledgable about a lot of information, some of which I am very familiar with, some of which is very new to me. As a starting point I already sent out the Genderqueer / Non-Binary Transition Survey, which helped gather the needs and questions of the community, and stories around how people have transitioned, plan to transition, or would like to transition. I still haven’t finished reading through all the responses, though I do plan to. Next month will be spent gathering more information, lots of research, and arduous planning, so that everything fits in an hour and a half.

Feedback?

As you can see, I plan to cover a lot of ground regarding non-binary transition, so I welcome any comments you might have on this. If there is a question you personally have or feel should be answered, or feedback on what you think might be important to address (or irrelevant enough to skip), please please please give me your thoughts.

Summer Tour

And here’s the lineup so far.

Philadelphia Trans Health

First I’ll be heading to the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference, held in Philadelphia PA on May 31st – June 2nd. This conference is totally free and is one of the biggest, if not the largest, transgender conference, with over 200 workshops this year. I’ve written before about how it was a life-changer for me, so if you can make it, at least for one day, I cannot recommend it enough. My workshop is scheduled for Saturday June 2nd, and I’m already so nervous.

Gender Spectrum

Next up is Gender Spectrum Conference, which I might or might not present at, but I will definitely be there volunteering (like last year). This one is in Berkeley, CA, on the weekend of July 13-15. It’s geared specifically towards transgender and gender non-conforming youth and their families, so the audience tends to be a little different – lots of little kids, and lots of concerned and caring parents. Moreover, this year’s theme is “Think Outside the Boxes” which is a good indicator that the conversation surrounding genderqueer and non-binary identities is spreading.

Gender Odyssey

Last is Gender Odyssey on the West Coast in Seattle, WA, August 2-5. The price for this one is on a sliding scale, but at a minimum it’s $165, although they do have scholarships and subsidized rates. I haven’t received all the details yet, but I need to make travel arrangements soon. Gender Odyssey is also a considerably large conference, and the workshops that are already listed sound intriguing, so I look forward to checking it out!

I always have a blast at conferences, learn tons, and leave feeling inspired and motivated. Hope to meet some of you there!

Muscles

The first noticeable change was that I got real buff, real fast. Usually I gain muscle easier than I lose fat, and I did start working out exactly at the same time I started T, but I bulked up exceptionally fast. In two weeks I gained three pounds of pure muscle and am basically ripped relative to the measly amount of exercise I am doing. Additionally, I started to look buffer, fuller, fill out my t-shirts more, as if my muscles were more dense and heavy. Let me say that anybody who has testosterone in their system is basically cheating (hehe!) and it has also become very clear why athletes risk their career to take steroids – testosterone has such a strong and obvious effect on musculature and strength.

There has also been slight muscle-fat redistribution. My thighs and hips have gotten slimmer, and my belly a little bigger (though this may be because of all the food). Very very sadly, all of this will go away once I stop taking T.

Hunger

Oh. My. God. I AM SO HUNGRY ALL THE TIME! ALL. THE. TIME. And with it, the scale has gone up and up. Now I totally understand teenage boys, or just guys in general, when they scarf down platefuls and platefuls of food and are still left wanting. What I don’t quite get is how they don’t gain weight (I guess teenagers are still growing upwards).

Voice

The primary reason for taking testosterone is to lower my voice to a more androgynous or ambiguous pitch. So far, I can definitely feel a difference, and I think I can hear a difference. On the other hand, nobody has noticed, or at the very least nobody has said anything, even along the lines of “hey, do you have a cold?” While I was somewhat expecting that (or holding out for it) the changes have probably been too gradual for anyone to notice anything anyway.

Videos

I like to go back and forth between the first and last video, or play them at the same time, so you hear the difference in voice changes. My girlfriend suggests I do more in Spanish because my voice is apparently higher (maybe that’s why I avoided those). Anyway, I’m super embarrassed to be on video so don’t even bother watching them.

• Day 1
• Month 1
• Month 2
• Month 3

Hair

Everywhere. Yuck. This is the second change I noticed, to my great dismay. At first I started getting fuzzier, but around the first or second month I got enough dark hairs on my upper lip that I’ve had to shave every week. There is more and darker hair on my legs, thighs (where I had none), and happy trail (also had none there), as well as more light fuzz on my stomach and chin.

Sex Drive

Yes, it has increased. And yes, it is precisely as I predicted when asked what happens when an asexual takes testoerone.

Genital Growth

Let’s put it this way: I noticed things that I had no idea existed before. The surprising part is that I am not uncomfortable with this, at all.

Periods

The first month I got a regular period, if only somewhat lighter and about a week early. I think at this point I increased the amount of cream I was applying, so my period skipped the second month. The third month I had an extremely light period. So I do think that, should I increase the dose, menstruation would stop, and at this dose, it’s up in the air.

Other

From the first two weeks on there has been more acne, mostly on the face, and some drier hair, though I don’t perceive my skin as more oily, which is another common effect. I wouldn’t report any significant or noticeable mood changes, emotional fluxes, or anything of the sort relating to testosterone.

On a related aside, I also have a chronic condition called hypothyroidism. My thyroid has been well regulated for over a year, but I suspect it is out of whack right now. This affects metabolism, menstruation, sleep cycles, mood, weight, energy, and just anything having to do with hormones. Which is everything. The current instability is most likely caused by T, but the side effects I’m seeing can be better attributed to the thyroid imbalance. The soonest doctor appointment I could get is next month, so I just have to hold out a little while longer to get this sorted out. Meanwhile I’m monitoring my body, being aware of the changes, and taking note of anything unusual.

What Next?

Hair is the one aspect of testosterone that is bothering me the most. It’s the main reason I will stop when I do. I think my breaking point will be when I see darker hair on either my stomach, chest, or chin. And I’m getting pretty darn close. On the other hand, I already got the hair, it’s there to stay, so I might as well keep going. (It’s like when you break your diet, or you play instead of study – what’s the point of stopping now? Might as well stretch it as far as you can.)

My 3-month prescription for T is at its last dollop; last week I called the pharmacy and the refill is on its way. So far, I’ve been pleased with the changes, for the most part. The desirable competing with the undesirable – it’s a close tie. But in a tug of war, eventually one side overtakes the other. I am taking it literally day by day, though I have a feeling it won’t be much longer.

Every morning I go through the same thought cycle of doubt, and every morning I re-make my decision to keep going, just one more day. There is still an ineffable pull to see what happens, to see this through. And as my girlfriend says: “not sure” means yes, “no” means no; I have yet to say no.

Not quite 3 months ago, I started Testosterone, and my reasons, while took forever to congeal, were clear:

I’d much rather be perceived as not-female than as female. Which leads me to the only other option: being perceived as male.

The key word is perceived, and that takes two. Taking hormones is a physical means of making my body more androgynous. But physical cues are only one way in which other people perceive gender.

I’ve often distinguished between the needs of physical and social transition, as well as differences between physical and social dysphoria, all experienced in endless combinations by each individual person and their particular place on the gender rainbow. Therefore, it is only fitting that, exactly one year after writing a post grappling with pronouns, I revisit the matter and (gasp!) come to a conclusion. This does not make anything definitive, but it does make it decisive, an act with which I seem to struggle most.

The Preferred Pronoun

The pronoun that fits me best is they, or simply no pronouns.

People still call me she, and thus far I’ve been reluctant to correct them, mainly to avoid a long winded conversation about my gender and what that exactly means, because “they” is an unusual pronoun at best, and at worst informing someone of your preferred pronoun is unusual already.

Moreover, in previous experiments with real live situations, people have been unable to use “they” correctly in a spontaneous way. They trip up, mess up, forget it, and call me whatever they want (he and she in the same sentence even). Mostly people stumble with the supposed grammar complications – which, in my opinion, is no more complicated than how we really do speak anyway. But I can’t force my brilliant and intelligent understanding of grammar on people all the time, or pull up Wikipedia or other very informative articles with examples of its use. And let’s not forget we are trying to avoid a long-winded and unnecessary explanation about gender and/or grammar in the first place, at the very least for practical reasons.

The Decision

So what to do if “they” is such an inconvenient pronoun? You make up a Plan B. Well, I’ve finally (finally!) decided to go with he.

(Oh what agony two/three letters cause, yet how important you are.)

The Process

Just like I am currently in the process of physically inching my way towards a more masculine-like appearance, the plan is to very slowly shift pronouns publicly. This should, in effect, jumpstart my public social transition.

In fact, this process has already begun, albeit amongst a closer cirlce of friends. Mostly there have been implied hints and often-too-subtle sneers on my part, but the smart ones have already caught on that a) I’m really not a “she” and b) pronouns are an issue for me.

What do they do instead? They employ one of many strategies for speaking in gender-neutral terms:

• Use singular they: “They like to eat chocolate.”
• Use the person’s name: “He/She/Name likes to eat chocolate.”
• Substitute descriptivie phrases in place of a pronouns or a name: “What does the little one think?” or “Yes, spunky does indeed like to eat chocolate.”

But gender neutralizing language is not so straightforward, and despite careful calculations, people slip. Even my partner has tripped up with pronouns and gendered titles. We usually discuss each situation afterwards, and decide how to handle it in the future. However, this analysis tends to happen when the event in question has already passed, which means that during the moment of confusion, it was just plain difficult to find the right words. Moreover, it’s impossible to deconstruct and predict every single word or phrase one might need in a sentence, and have the foresight to think of a gender-neutral alternative beforehand, especially without much practice – as is the case for most people around me who are not me.

The [Fallback] Plan

In order to avoid this, it’s therefore best to agree upon a fallback plan. And “he” is an acceptable fallback plan for me. My girlfriend can say she has a “significant other” or a “shorter half” but when pressed for time – or neurons – she can say “boyfriend,” and that’ll be fine too. And my well-meaning (and smart) friends can say “he” should they run out of unique monikers to describe me. Now, should my friends ever slip, I’d prefer they slip with a “he” instead of a “she.”

Lastly, I’ve briefly mentioned how Spanish is my first language, and you don’t get much of a choice in Spanish. My girlfriend and I have already switched to using the masculine to refer to me, and a few people have fortunately caught on and taken it in stride. My girlfriend’s aunt now calls me “sobrino,” yet I bet she still wonders whether “niece” or “nephew” would be more appropriate.

So I guess the next step is letting these well-intentioned friends know about all this. I can sit around and make excuses for why it’s so hard to tell them, and agonize over every pronoun they mis-use, or I can sit down, have one nice little conversation, and be done with it. After all, they already know right?

As for the other circles – extended friends, acquaintances, work – well, I’m just not going to bother for now. You tell one person, and sooner or later the rest will catch on. And when they do, I don’t have to dread a long-winded explanation about the complexities of my gender, all I have to say is “yeah, I go by he.” And that’s that.

Ignore it.

Like a nagging and pesky fly, try to forget about it. For instance, I’ll shield myself from a stranger’s gender assumptions, brush it off, tell myself that it doesn’t matter and that it’s inconsequential. It’s not just saying it, it’s believing it: try hard to convince yourself of it; look at it objectively and notice the effects, such as “well, I’m all worked up, but nothing has really happened so far, guess it really doesn’t matter all that much” or “I’m never going to see that person again.” It especially helps if I go into a situation with the expectation that someone will (mis)gender me a certain way, or at least having realistic expectations of (mis)gendering, and not getting my hopes up. Regarding physical dysphoria, however, this is definitely much harder to do, but it’s still an applicable strategy if you learn to shift your focus onto something else (see next points).

Distract yourself.

“Time heals all wounds” also applies to the short term. If you are too busy to be sad or angry, you might not feel sad or angry or even remember why you felt that way. Take some time to cool off by doing something else, like watching TV, going for a walk, listening to music. This helps with the above (ignore) by moving your attention away from what is bothering you.

Laugh.

Humour is an excellent coping mechanism, and that is doubly true for me. Sometimes when you take a step back, what we are going through as trans* people is so unbelievable and ridiculous in the context of “normal” it’s hard not to find it funny, or at least awe-some. After all, who has the chance to live such a unique experience?

Read.

This one is a little dangerous in my opinion, because reading is very passive; you’re not often forced to think unless you consciously do it, so things can “get to you” without you realizing it or knowing why. Moreover, there can be a lot of negativity out there that will only make you feel worse (“everybody feels dysphoria all the time, it’s hopeless!”). That said, sometimes commiserating with someone who is going through the same thing oddly makes us feel better (“everyone feels dysphoria all the time, I’m not the only one and I’m not alone in this!”), and there is loads of positive and encouraging stuff too (hopefully this list!). Reading about other’s experiences reflects back and reshapes my own, and once in a while there’ll be a big epiphany and I start seeing things in a whole new light. Or, just read something that you know will make you feel better – somebody’s blog, a magazine, a book, a comic strip. It doesn’t have to be trans* or gender related.

Talk.

This is probably my go-to strategy. If you have someone in your life that you trust, reach out and talk to them. Even if they don’t fully understand every nuance of your gender, having someone else’s support is invaluable at times like these. Also try contacting a therapist or counselor so you have a professional to turn to. It doesn’t have to be a specialized gender therapist, though that would help. After all, they are (usually) experts on how to deal with these kinds of inner conflicts, regardless of what they are about.

Write.

Write it out all, at that moment, instead of thinking and re-thinking it in your brain. Actually writing it down is a very important, conscious, and deliberate act, and forces you to concretize these thoughts and emotions swirling through you, to eventually make some sense of them. Even if I never show what I wrote to anyone, I will re-read it minutes later and be like “duh! How did I miss that?”, or days later, or months later, and come to new conclusions (the most common one is “wow, I had it all figured out months ago, why am I still doubting myself?”). With regards to gender, it can get confusing quick with various concepts and terminology and perspectives, so writing it down makes me organize my thoughts, put words and labels to vague desires or stressors. It also helps me brainstorm solutions, and is a good way to shift focus and funnel your energies into not stressing.

Analyze.

For me, understanding and rationalizing are a big part of making me feel better. For instance, “I got called she and suddenly got really upset” – analyze why you were called she or why you were particularly upset about it, and think up strategies to avoid it or deal with it in the future. Or “if only I had a flat chest, people would stop misgendering me” was a common thought I used to have. But when I really sat down to analyze it, I drew from my experiences of when I was binding vs not binding, and soon realized that having a flat chest or not was not a deciding factor in how people gendered me anyway. So, I was actually trying to solve a problem that wasn’t the problem, and was much less frustrated once I figured out why my “solutions” just weren’t working.

Shelve it.

What often happens to me is I fall into a mental anxiety trap, and I start thinking about the negative aspects of something in a loop. This is especially true of a lot of physical dysphoria, since it is not easily or immediately “fixable,” which only increases the immediate frustration. Tell your brain to shut up! and then schedule a time for purposeful reflection; this way you know you will get to sort out your anxieties and worries eventually, and knowing that will make it easier to put them aside the rest of the day. For instance, if you really dislike or are uncomfortable with a part of your body, take space to “self-vent,” but also limit that time so you aren’t burdening yourself with negative emotions all the time. This is also a good opportunity to explore it consciously and come to concrete solutions. In this example, you could perhaps discover that you really aren’t uncomfortable with this part of your body, it’s just the way it’s perceived by others that makes you uncomfortable.

Embrace it.

One important thing to note is that dysphoria is a part of the process of transitioning. So when you are really set off by something, and you are “in the midst” of it all – be it anxiety, depression, a crying spell, anger – embrace it. Let it happen. Cry, be anxious for a little bit, be sad. But always remember that this is a part of transitioning, and that things will eventually change, and most likely get better with that change, because you are doing/planning/thinking of things to make it better.

Focus on the positive.

It sounds cliche, but if you make it a habit, it will make you feel better… eventually. This will probably not even seem to work, but you have to force yourself to first remember, then force yourself to actually think up, positive thoughts. Personally it makes me feel loads better to be constructive and “get somewhere” and focusing on possible solutions rather than the problem. A good exercise is to rehash positive past experiences you had and mentally bookmark them, or daydream of future plans you might have. Repeat it like a mantra, until it becomes default to think of these things when you are upset.

Share your ideas!

Hopefully these strategies can be applicable to many aspects of your day-to-day, not just dealing with dysphoria. I encourage anyone to share their ideas with us, so we can all learn from each other!

My boyfriend is transgender, and he is currently planning to wait on T but wants to go ahead with top surgery. It was cool to see this blog because I only know two other transpeople and they both insisted that you need to be on T before top surgery.

You seem so positive, and it’s refreshing to hear this. Many people talk about transitioning as a growing and learning experience, but so far all I’m seeing is the person I most love feel more distant and wounded by his own body. He’s my best friend and sometimes I just can’t do anything to make him happy. It’s cool to see you taking steps to fix your body and be legitimately happy. * (*) Paraphrased from original email.

I am very glad you wrote to me!

It is often hard to be the partner of a transperson, and there seems to be less information out there from that perspective. Try looking online for SOFFA (significant others, friends, family, and allies) support groups, especially those for partners of transpeople. There are a few tumblrs, but I’d suggest something where you can actually have a conversation, like a private listserve or mailing group. Also try to find something in your local area, either a PFLAG meeting or an LGBTQ safe space with support groups. It helps a lot to hear others talking about the same worries and concerns that you are having, and also to have someone else who has gone through the same thing walk you through their experience.

I did a quick search and found a few resources. (Readers: if there are any useful links you know of, please include them in the comments!)

• http://www.ftmguide.org/links.html#allies
• http://soffasupport.tumblr.com/post/5991317369/blog-for-soffas
• http://groups.google.com/group/transfriends
• http://partnersof-ftm.tumblr.com/supportgroups

Also, look for a trans-friendly therapist you can talk to, or a family member, or another SOFFA that you can turn to. It helps to have someone else to talk to, and that’s one thing my girlfriend kept saying she wish she had.

From a personal point of view, I have been with my partner for 5 years. When we met I was quite depressed, and the more I learned about being trans, the happier I became. And the more steps I took to transition, the happier I got.

Top surgery was a big step for me, and it has definitely improved my quality of life, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I’ve written a lot about how you don’t need to be on T to get top surgery, and you don’t even need to be male identified, so don’t listen to the naysayers. But it’s not the only thing you can do to move things along – small things like hair, clothing, names, pronouns, coming out to family, even just going out for ice cream on a nice day and relaxing, can all make a huge impact.

It truly helped me to have my partner’s support all the way. By support I don’t mean she would just say “yes dear, whatever you decide to do I will still love you.” She did say that, a lot, but that by itself is not enough. I needed someone with whom I could share my innermost desires, thoughts, and emotions, someone I could cry with for hours, and someone who would tell me every single day that everything would be ok. Without her I would not be where I am today, and I would not have had the guts to do all I’ve done. Throughout it all she was very very patient with me, and she nudged me along when I needed it.

Partners are very important, and often they are under-appreciated during the journey – it is only afterwards that we look back and realize how much they were a part of it all.

Try to reach out and let your boyfriend know how you feel about him, and that you are there for him for everything. Inform yourself so that you can help him make the decisions he has to make, and give him advice and reassurance when he needs it. Above all be patient – he might be moody and unhappy, but don’t take it personal. (Of course, that doesn’t mean he has a free pass to do whatever he wants!) Lastly, don’t be afraid to reach out yourself, as you have done here; you are also going through it all, and you also deserve your own time and space to think and process and feel.

You say I sound really happy and positive (thanks!) – and I am, right now – but it wasn’t always so. It’s important to remember that. You say you can’t do anything to make him happy. Well, sometimes there really is nothing you can do to make him happy; sometimes you both just have to wait it out and let time take its course. Being trans and transitioning is a journey where you learn and grow, but it can also be long and painful. But you can still keep a positive attitude, even if things aren’t the best at the moment.

Hopefully this helps a little. Know that I am here if you want to talk more.