Timeline: Posts

Here’s a list of all the posts I wrote related to my top surgery:

Pre-Surgery

• 02/11/2011 Top Surgery
• 02/15/2011 Top Surgery, Part 2
• 02/19/2011 Last Minute Concerns

Seven-Day Journal

• 02/21/2011 Top Surgery Day
• 02/22/2011 24 Hours Post-Op
• 02/23/2011 Second Day Update
• 02/24/2011 And on the Third Day…
• 02/25/2011 24×4
• 02/26/2011 Post-Surgical Depression
• 02/27/2011 Lazy Sunday

Post-Op

• 03/01/2011 Finally Home, In Recovery
• 03/02/2011 Two Week Notice
• 03/21/2011 One Month Post-Op
• 04/23/2011 Birthday
• 07/25/2011 5 Months Post-Op
• 10/12/2011 Update: Scars

Top Surgery Information

• The Process of Getting Top Surgery
• Physical and Social Dysphoria
• There’s no T in Top Surgery
• Top Surgery: Analyzing Results

Timeline: Pictures

My wonderful significant other has once again been extra wonderful, and meticulously cropped a telling timeline of pictures (it took a few hours of photoshop to make up for her bad photography skills, but she has redeemed herself!) Enjoy.

1 Year Timeline

Top Surgery 1 Year Timeline
(click on picture to get full image, then click to zoom)

Slideshow

Given my experience, I’m going to focus on DI procedures, though some things are relevant for others. If you aren’t familiar with the various options for FTM Top Surgery, or male chest reconstruction, you can read up on that here: http://www.ftmguide.org/chest.html. I refrained from using other people’s pictures, so for illustrative purpose I instead included rough sketches from a layperson’s understanding.

Hopefully you’ll take away something useful.

Natural Look

My top priority when deciding on a surgeon was consistent, aesthetically pleasing results. What do I mean by that? A chest that looks natural, and avoids that surgically-altered feel (as much as possible, of course); a chest that I would have, were I an average guy.

Specifically, I focused on:

• Contour
• Incisions: neatness, position and shape
• Nipples: position and shape
• Technique
• Details

Time

Before we start, one important thing to keep in mind while looking at people’s results is time. My chest didn’t fully settle until 6-8 months post-op. Most people post pictures fresh out of the OR, or 1 week after, or even 3 months after. That is still too early to accurately gauge how the chest will look like in the long term, though of course there are a few things that are fairly obvious from the start. Whenever possible, look for 6+ month post-op pictures. Or at least try to mentally compensate.

Body Type

In general, I tried to look for pictures of people who shared my body type, skin color, age, musculature, etc. Specifically I sought out people who were not on T, especially before the surgery, but also after (which is a bit harder to find). Although everybody’s body is different, this is one rule of thumb to better predict how your chest will look on your body. Additionally, it’s a good sign when a surgeon has great results on people of all body types.

DI Techniques

For the double incision procedure (DI), there is one common technique, and several variations. The biggest difference is usually the style of incisions and the treatment of nipples.

Double Incision vs T-Anchor

DI with Free Nipple Grafts

When I first learned about DI with Free Nipple Grafts, I thought the “free” meant gratis, cost-free, as if the surgeon was being nice and throwing in the nipples as an extra. What it actually means is that the nipples are “free-floating” in a way. Basically, the surgeon cuts off the nipples, does the chest work, and then – literally – staples them on top of the skin.

Given this, the nipples are vulnerable to infection, necrosis, and even loss. There is also concern for losing or regaining nipple sensitivity, and while it helps to have a more experienced surgeon here, there’s always more of a risk with a graft.

Another little known fact is that, over time, the nipples stretch horizontally with your skin. This means that if the surgeon originally leaves circular nipples, they will stretch out to be ovals. Thus, a surgeon who is aware of this will leave slightly oval nipples, so they eventually settle into a circular shape.

T-Anchor

Also known as inverted-T technique, since the scars look like an inverted T, this is a derivative of the regular breast reduction procedure, and it includes an extra vertical incision. Being a year post-op, this line has completely faded and is barely noticeable, so that shouldn’t be anything to worry about.

Personally the way the skin is stretched out looks slightly different compared to a regular DI. Basically, because there are three incision points, rather than two, the skin isn’t “pulled” as much and doesn’t look stretched out.

Usually the nipple is never detached from the nipple stalk, or pedicle. (The “pedicle technique” is sometimes done with regular DI’s and not just T-anchor, but it’s not as frequent.) This means its blood supply is never cut off, and it’s a “living” nipple as opposed to a graft. In theory this is also better for retaining nipple sensitivity. To me it seems the nipple has less of that pasted on look that can occur with some grafts.

Double Incision Techniques: diagram of cuts

Nipples

I’ve already talked about the treatment of nipples discussing the various procedures above, such as grafts and pedicles. Note that some people opt for no nipples, and either tattoo them later on, or just prefer to be without them. Whatever your preferences, noticing the nipples can hint at a surgeon’s other abilities. Here are other things to look for.

Areola Resizing

Size and Shape

Depending on your original chest and your surgeon, you may opt to reshape the nipples in some way. The most common is to resize the areola, since male ones tend to be smaller. Another is to trim the actual nipples, though often this will be done in a subsequent revision so as not to risk losing the nipples, especially if it is a graft.

Nipple shape and stretching

In general, look for circular nipples, and ones that are re-sized to your preference. But when browsing pictures, be aware that the person may still be awaiting a revision to further shape the nipples.

Positioning

On a male chest the nipples are higher than on female breasts. A few surgeons tend to position the nipple way too high on the chest, while there’s one surgeon who will always place them too far out on the sides, closer to the armpits than to the center of the pec. For the most part, I looked out for symmetry and centered-ness. Stare at a chest and see if the nipples “feel” off somehow – sometimes they do. Other times they just look like they belong, as if they are in the exact spot they should be. To get a better sense of this, you can also look at bio-male chests.

Infections

Probability-wise infections are bound to happen, especially with grafts. Often it depends more on the person’s body than with the surgeon’s skill, but quick mental tallies should alert you when there’s an anomaly. I kept an eye out for the general track record of each particular surgeon regarding infection rates, potential recovery and healing, as well as the surgeon’s post-op care and attention to it.

Incisions

Some scars look very neat and straight, and fade nicely afterwards. I attribute this to clean incisions. Watch out for surgeons who leave jagged and crooked scars. As you might know, my scars got hypertrophic, which is unrelated to the surgeon, and that’s why they don’t look as neat or as healed. There are a number of surgeons who do a consistently excellent job in this area.

Incision Types and Styles

Positioning and Shape

There is great variety on the positioning and shape of incisions. Some surgeons will do straight horizontal incisions, others will do curved “smiley” ones, and all variations in between. Some incisions are aligned with the armpit, while others are closer to the lower bicep fold. Some extend to the center of the chest, with both sides almost touching in the middle, while others leave space in between.

And then there is the nipple position relative to the incision, as pointed out before, where the nipple can be almost touching the incision line, or way high up, or simply a few inches above.

Incision Positioning relative to arms, chest, and pectorals

Where an incision will look best can depend on your individual body, and of course on your own preferences. But surgeons have distinct cutting patterns that you can pick up on, and from there you can choose which is a better fit for what you want.

For my tastes, correctly positioned incisions contour the natural pec muscle line. This means slightly curved lines aligned near the mid-bicep, as if cupping it with your hand, and the nipple a few inches above that in the center of the pec. While other styles generally heal nicely as well, this was an important personal preference.

Contour

Contour to me means that the pecs look, well… like pecs, and not like stretched out pancakes. A few surgeons seem to take out too much, even taking out muscle, which you can never build back up. This results in an unusually flat or even concave or sunken-in chest. Other surgeons take out too little, though that is easier to fix in a revision afterwards.

The general rule is to leave in about 10% tissue for chest lift and shaping. And never ever take out the muscle. My theory is that a lot of FTMs make up for poor contouring with T – their muscles fill out this area and compensate for the flatness. Without T, you rely purely on what the surgeon gives you. Thus contour was very important to me.

Now remember what I mentioned before – the chest takes 6+ months to de-swell and de-compress to its actual size and shape. The fresh-out-of-surgery pictures often depict a very puffy chest, and are not the best indicator of contour.

Other

While those are the basic guidelines I watched out for, the devil can be in the details.

Sensation

Overall sensitivity and feeling are another preoccupation, and obviously you can’t gather this from the pictures. A lot of people I met mentioned that certain areas of their chest were numb, even years post-op. Note that it can take from 6-12 months to fully recover sensation in the chest area. A year post-op, I now feel everything on my entire chest, even on the scars. There are no weird numb patches as far as I know.

Details

There are other details that can indicate careful work. For instance, “dogears” are the little excess skin flaps on the sides next to the incisions. These are a common complaint of your average DI, but there are a handful of surgeons that are quite skilled at avoiding this now. But again, remember – it takes time for the swelling to go down, and what may look like dogears could simply be puffiness. As always, take into account how long post-op the picture was taken.

In general, take note of naturalness, symmetry and overall “look and feel” of the chest. What impression do you get when you first see it?

Misc

There is lots of non-surgery stuff to look out for as well. Take into account the experience the surgeon has performing this specific procedure (though be weary of going for the “popular” option without doing your research first). Where the surgery is performed, in a hospital or a clinic, might influence your decision as well. Find out how complications are handled, and whether the surgeon is responsive and attentive to post-operative care. In case you ever want to change any of your legal documents to male, ask whether the surgeon provides an official letter for this, namely stating that you have undergone gender reassignment surgery. Moreover, requirements such as being male-identified, being on hormones, or having a therapists’ letter, are now becoming unnecessary barriers for surgery, which a lot of surgeons are bypassing altogether.

Ask

The last piece of wise advice I will leave you with is: ASK.

You can ask me about anything, or check out the resources section. People who post their pictures are usually quite friendly and open about their surgery, and are happy to point you in the right direction. Ask the surgeon about their experience, requirements, and other information. Always always ask.

Thoughts?

And of course, I love comments. Is there anything that stood out as personally important for you? Something you don’t quite understand? Have a different opinion on something? I especially welcome people sharing their experiences, either from a pre-op researching perspective or post-op reflections.

Hopefully you’ve found this guide helpful.

The initial intent for the blog was to relate my experiences as a neutrois (and rather charming) person. It was precipitously started because of my impending top surgery, and my desire to document it. I’ve done that, and much much more. Despite a mild hiatus (ie, bout of laziness), and to my own astonishment, I have managed to keep this going for one whole entire year.

To commemorate, here’s a taste of what was yet to come – my first post.

I have since gone on to write such masterpieces as:

• a metaphor for what Neutrois means to me
• another metaphor on passing as something you’re not
• a dissection of the intersections of my neighborhood
• exhausting but not exhaustive LGBTQ book reviews and lists
• as well as, well… the rest of the 90 entries on my blog

All carefully infused with biting sarcasm, sardonic cynism, and just a pinch of positivism (though I will never admit to that one).

As I’ve been re-reading what my past self wrote, I’m often surprised by either how insightful, courageous, naive, and round-about I am. But I have discovered morsels of wisdom spread throughout that I didn’t even realize were there before. So, browse around, explore, and even if you’ve been there before, you might find something new.

Thanks for sticking with me!

These should also appear in the ever-growing up-to-date LGBTQIA Reading List.

LGBTQ-themed Fiction and such (Adult)

Blue Boy, by Rakesh Satyal

The author writes a fictional auto-biographical account (that is, it’s completely made up, but liberally based on his childhood) about Kieran, a young Indian boy growing up in Cincinnati. His school is predominantly white, while his family still very much bound by Hindu traditions. Kieran might or might not be gay, though he does carry around a Strawberry Shortcake doll in his pocket, even if he’s 11 and probably too old for it.

I often can’t tell how long books are, because I use a Kindle, but when I don’t finish it in a handful of sittings it’s a longer book than normal. This book is long, but it’s refreshing to read a long, adult book for a change. The characters and story have much more depth and richness than a YA book ever could. Whether it was good or great I’m still on the fence, but it’s a good enough read that I’d recommend.

I Can’t Think Straight and Despite the Falling Snow, by Shamim Sarif

I read both of these during and after my top surgery, and they kept me well entertained so as to forget my uncomfortable physical state. Even though I had previously watched the movie for I Can’t Think Straight, the images for Despite the Falling Snow were just as vivid as if I had seen a movie. The first book is a bit lighter, while the second has a much slower pace, one that begs for taking the chapters in between sips of warm tea. (Note that I am grouping the books by author, they are not at all related nor a series).

Shamim Sarif is a wonderful storyteller. There is always a familiar camaraderie with the various characters, intermixed with different points of view, weaving complex revelations with comprehensive emotions. There is yet another book, The World Unseen, which I look forward to reading.

The Perfect Family, by Kathryn Shay

Jamie, a sophomore in high school, comes out to his mom and subsequently, the rest of his family, including his religious (Catholic) father and older jock brother. No, thankfully it’s not the depressing drama-fest you’d expect and nobody gets kicked out of the house. The focus is on the mom trying to keep her family together as each member lovingly – yes, with love – tries to work through their issues surrounding “gay.” This includes fighting culturally ingrained scripts, dispelling pre/ill-conceived notions, and obviously dealing with the (very) stereotypical religious institution banter.

Nothing spectacular to it; the writing, the characters, the plot are all pretty vanilla, even a little too drawn out and tedious at times. There is nothing to classify this book specifically as “adult” rather than YA, except that it is told from the perspective of the parent rather than the child, which makes it different. A seemingly ordinary book with a plot that is, unfortunately, still rather relevant. Maybe I’ll give it to my mom someday.

Roses and Thorns, by Chris Anne Wolfe

This is a very outdated lesbian retelling of Beauty and The Beast. Why outdated? Because the main premise of the book is that the “beast” is a woman, who likes women. And….. Yeah that’s it. She’s a “beast” because she’s a lesbian. In 2012 that kind of premise is no longer a big enough conflict to sustain an entire book, unless you add in other stuff. To be fair it was not written in 2012, more like 1990′s ish or earlier. Even so, it wasn’t all that great. Skip it; instead go read Ash by Malinda Lo for an excellent fairy tale retelling (that happens to be queer).

Sing You Home, by Jodi Picoult

Lucky me, I’ve written a mini-review about this one as well.

Miss Timmins’ School for Girls, by Nayana Currimbhoy

Set in India in the 1970′s, the mystery of a young woman’s murder (or was it suicide?) is told through the eyes of two very different people. The first narrator we meet is Charu, who has just joinied the ranks of adulthood as well of Miss Timmins’ School as their newest teacher. She’s as inexperienced as she is naive. But surprise, surprise – she falls in love with the other schoolteacher, Miss Prince, the very one who fell (or was pushed?) to her death from a high cliff. The schoolgirls’ multi-colored raincoats, the aromas of Mr. Irani’s restaurant, the strict yet enigmatic Hindu teacher, and the unravelling stories of love and betrayal all enthrall you from the very beginning.

Don’t worry readers, there are no spoilers yet, as you learn all of this in the first few pages. But that’s the essence of the book – while you desperately want to unravel the mystery, you desperately don’t want the book to end either. What a conundrum! This is one of those books I’d label as “sabroso” – it’s one to savor rather than devour. It has certainly been a while since I whole-heartedly enjoyed a book this much.

Santa Olivia and Saints Astray, by Jacqueline Carey

More than three paragraphs no longer constitutes a “mini-review” and thus these two books probably deserve an entire post of their own. That should be enough to say that I quite recommend this series, though if you need more enticement read the plot summary I linked to.

Sword of the Guardian, by Merry Shannon

I think this one also deserves its own page, but here’s a quick preview. The story is about Princess Shasta, a feisty teenager whose life is constantly endangered. Talon is sent to be her guardian, to protect her at all costs, and he takes this so seriously that more than once he risks his life for the princess. But Talon is “really” a girl, and the plotline (and my interest) hinge on this sole point.

On the whole, I’d recommend it, though I seriously want to pick this one apart and take the gender-bending analysis one step further.

Exhausted

Whew, this post took much longer than I thought a simple “list” would take; hence why I broke it up into Part 1 and Part 2 and Part 3. But I already knew that going in, so now I’m beating the proverbially dead horse (and I guess I’m the proverbially dead horse and I’m beating myself? This is why I’m never going to be novel-writing material!) At the same time, now I have a hefty list of books, AND reviews, which I can continually reference and keep handy at all times. Best of all, I didn’t even have to dread writing all of those reviews, because by then it was too late. (But I am never EVER doing a round-up of reviews again!)

Read On

Hopefully this gives you enough fodder to carry on your queer-reading crusade for the entire year. If you run out, be sure to check out the LGBTQIA Reading List I keep mentioning. Oh my, look at all those books I haven’t read!

Well, I’m a 33 year old female bodied but trans identifying person. I am seriously considering top surgery, but have no desire to ever go on T.

My question: If you don’t mind me asking, and please forgive me if I am being rude, what were your chest measurements, cup size, I suppose it is called, before the surgery? I can find so many post-op pictures online, but none that reveal the previous measurements for comparison. I know we all have different body types, but I suppose I’m just looking for a baseline outcome.

I’m not planning on ever taking T, so I’m just hoping to find some images and experiences of people that aren’t trying to transition fully. I was so happy to find you! Do you know of any other blogs from people who have had top surgery, but are not taking T?

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences and stories–you have been a real encouragement to me and a true support without knowing it. I deeply appreciate your attention to your blog and the time and effort you put into it.

It’s a big step to consider top surgery, I’m glad I can be of some help. First I’d point you to a few posts on top surgery that contain useful information, though I’m sure you’ve read them since you seem quite informed already.

You are certainly not rude in asking these things, and I’m glad you did. My “before” chest measurements and such is something I deliberately haven’t posted on my blog, but I’ll gladly share in private. So ask me! A lot of people do post their “before” pictures. I’d suggest looking into Transbucket and the FTM Surgery Info Group on Yahoo (both listed in the Resources page).

Your outcome depends on a number of factors. Age, and whether you’re on T or not, are some of them, as is whether you smoke and are overall healthy. I’d say that general body shape and muscle and fat distribution can also have some effect on the end result, though of course you probably know that you will not come out of this with perfectly chiseled pecs. There are other non-controllables, such as genetic pre-disposition to healing, blod clots, and scarring, etc. In my case, I ended up with hypertrophic scars, which was unexpected and unpreventable.

Another big one is the surgeon. Although on the surface they are all doing a similar procedure, every surgeon is different in how they approach it. Keep in mind that this is plastic surgery – that is, it is a very aesthetic procedure, so how it looks will depend on how the surgeon thinks it looks. This is the main reason I chose the surgeon I did.

I’d even venture to say that the surgeon has a lot more to do with it than anything else. (Especially when you don’t take T later on, since I have a theory that T helps reshape the muscles and makes up for poor contouring.) I carefully analyzed pictures of pre-op and post-op people for a long long time, and I have strong opinions on particular surgeons, both the good ones and the bad ones. If you want more specifics on that I can elaborate.

Like you, I was looking specifically at people who were not on hormones and had a similar body type to mine. Furthermore, it is much harder to find post-op pictures of people not on hormones after say, 1 year, which is when the real results starts to show.

I am planning posting the 1 year post-op pictures in a few weeks. To be honest, I think my chest didn’t really “settle down” entirely until about 8-10 months in, so take all the pictures you see (of me and others) with that in mind.

As for other people who are either non-male or female-identified, and had top surgery without hormones, and continue to not take hormones or be male-identified… that’s a tricky one. There is little documentation about this out there. For the most part I read other transguy’s blogs, since their experiences tend to be similar, to a degree – check out my Blogroll on the bottom as a starter list. Also, I just discovered this blog last week called Queer Rock Love, and I’m loving it. The author’s wife identifies as genderqueer, and also had top surgery. They have a kid too! The blog has a lot of stories around trying to navigate… well… the world, as a “gay, transgender, rock-n-roll family.” Hopefully that’s a good start. If I think of anyone else, I will send them your way.

As always, please feel free to ask me any other questions. Thank you for letting me post this; it is definitely critical to give visibility to non-binary trans people. And I can’t thank you enough for reaching out and letting me know that somebody out there is reading this and finding it useful!

These have also been added to the ever-growing up-to-date LGBTQIA Reading List.

LGBTQ-themed Fiction (YA – Young Adult)

Beauty Queens, by Libbra Bray

A group of teen beauty queen pageants get stranded on a deserted island after their plane crashes. At first they primp their eyebrows waiting for rescue to come, but eventually they use their various talents to live off the land and ward off the mysterious dangers the island has to hold. One of the characters is transgender (no spoiler there, you see it coming a long ways off), one of them is Black, one is a lesbian, one is deaf, one is Asian, one is Texan, one is a feminist Jew – token diversity is nothing to make fun of, though this book certainly does. Somebody online recommended this book to me, and it wasn’t bad. While it’s quite long, and the satire is just too obviously tongue-in-cheek for my tastes, and the social commentary is a little ambiguous, it still makes for decently entertaining YA book, although this is one of those that a 14 year old girl would enjoy more than an adult like me.

Debbie Harry Sings in French, by Meagan Brothers

A good book deserves a good review. A good writer would write one, and I will! For now, this mini-summary should be enough to entice you.

Will Grayson, Will Grayson, by John Green and David Levithan

Another one with a review! Oh goody!

Eon, by Alison Goodman

Dragons, a boy who is really a girl, a strict but endearing master, a morally ambiguous prince, ancient traditions, new revolutions, castle storming and sword fighting – you get the idea. And the girl-dressed-as-boy part, which is what I was most looking forward to, was an excellent plot element. Though my idealist self would have loved it to play out differently, the character’s thoughts and confusions around gender satiated my initial intrigue, and fit well with the overall story arc. A definite action-packed gender-bending fantasy. Did I say dragons?

Now, there is a sequel to this book called Eona. Upon reading the multiple reviews of this second book, My growing suspicions, fueled by the ever-so-slightly dubious character development, were confirmed. I could definitely see the tiny holes in Eon, and I can so clearly imagine how these holes could grow into such a disappointing nadir, that I did not even attempt to read so much as a few pages of this sequel. The first book was quite good, and I don’t want to ruin that.

I Am J, by Cris Beam

I’ve been promising a review of this book since I read it – almost going on a year now. Yikes. The fact that I want to write a review that does it justice says enough about my positive inclinations towards it. Go read it!

Jumpstart the World, by Catherine Ryan Hyde

Here’s the complete review of this one.

Huntress, by Malinda Lo

The more I read other YA, queer, fanstasy, or any combination thereof of books, the more I appreciate this one. The author’s evolution and growth as a writer are very evident if you’ve read Ash, Malinda’s previous novel. The world which she creates lingers on long after you close the book – a telltale sign of the richness of the characters, the suspenseful action, and the enchanting fictional universe they inhabit. Learn more in the mini-summary here.

How Beautiful the Ordinary, by Various

A collection of short stories tied together by a queer youth theme. The stories are ehh to okay, though I did enjoy the last one, which not suprisingly was not so short. Don’t buy this on an eReader, because it has a few comics and graphic novels. Well, don’t exactly buy this book. Rent it at the library, maybe. Or read it at the bookstore. Or just give it a shot if you’re curious.

Empress of the World, by Sara Ryan

Another standard queer YA book. Though this one is by no accounts the best of them, it’s also definitely not the worst of them. It takes place during a summer camp for nerds – err.. overly enthusiastic budding minds – some of whom are happy to study, some of whom would much rather be partying and hooking up. There’s friendship, awkward crushes, the obligatory betrayal and subsequent making up (or out), all the sweet-and-sour pre-high school drama. If I remember correctly (I might not), there was a lack of “identity crisis” or sudden realization of “of course I’m a lesbian, I’ve been like that all my life” tropes that often abound in coming of age queer stories. Instead the slant was more of “yep, I’m a girl who likes a girl, certainly not the norm but that doesn’t mean I’m a [label],” which is honestly much more enjoyable. Since it’s a bit simplistic, it’s probably suited for a younger audience.

Kissing Kate, by Lauren Myracle

This book is your standard contemporary fiction lesbian YA story, with a lot of build-up and a somewhat disappointing ending. Although when I sat down to think about the ending later on, I realized it subtly touched upon an important point. I can’t say what it is because it’ll ruin the ending, but it’s a positive message, one which books – especially queer youth books – rarely carry. Once again, I did appreciate that it didn’t become an “I kissed a girl so I must be a lesbian” kind of book; rather, it was much more focused on the discovery and exploration of feelings and friendships. However, I’m not so sure a less perceptive audience would pick up on the same conclusions I did, whether consciously or unconsciously. Still, it’s nice to know that these days a teenager can pick up a book and read about realistic scenarios with a little gay sprinkled in.

Map of Ireland, by Stephanie Grant

Another in my “recommended” pile, for which I’ve also written something about already.

Morning Rising (Guardian of Morning), by Samantha Boyette

Don’t ask me where I find books like these, but it was only $0.99 at the Kindle store. It’s a dystopian fantasy novel, which is already not my usual cup of tea, even if it does involve two girls who love each other. It’s just not very good – it just doesn’t hold up writing-wise, plot-wise, character-wise, fantasy-world-wise. But there is potential; I really hope the author gets this revised by an editor and works on it some more.

My Invented Life, by Lauren Bjorkman

In a nutshell, Roz is obsessed with theatre and Shakespeare, and she finally lands the lead for the school play – written by Shakespeare, obviously – which should make her ecstatic, except her sister Eva is acting all weird, mysteriously holing up in her room, crying, and reading some telltale (aherm, lesbian) books, which leads Roz to suspect Eva is a lesbian who is afraid to come out. (A nutshell = a run-on sentence. It’s no fun otherwise.) So Roz defiantly plots a sneaky scheme, and fake-comes-out as a lesbian herself. Except that kind of stuff only works in plays, not in real life. Now Roz is stuck in a situation she didn’t quite think through all the way, and must somehow fix everything.

I have to say that within a few pages this book had made me laugh out loud, which is what prompted me to buy it. Definitely a good sign, since I’m quite stoic when I read. For a YA book, this is a long one. After a while it drags on, and the premise gets weaker and weaker. Still, ’twas enjoyable.

RAGE: A Love Story, by Julie Ann Peters

Oh, Rage. Oh, Julie Ann Peters. Oh Rage.

If you’ve ever read one of her books you know exactly what I mean, and if you haven’t, then you are not yet worthy of the “secretly-expectant-but-always-disappointed-(sigh)-when-I-read-JAP-books club. The main theme of the book is domestic abuse and abusive relationships. This important issue definitely needs more face time among young people just starting to learn about relationships, and most especially among the LGBT crowd, who often gets ignored when talking about relationships. Yet I still haven’t decided whether the book is passable or not. (C’mon, it’s not all that bad – frustrating as her plot lines are, JAP can hold her own as a writer.)

Parrotfish, by Ellen Wittlinger

Another one which thankfully has a review already, so I don’t have to repeat my thoughts.

Once More With Feeling

After a grueling Part 1, where I covered Transgender Non-Fiction and General non-LGBTQ themed books, and an enthralling Part 2 reviewing all LGBTQ YA lit, I’m sure you need a break, after which you’ll anxiously await Part 3, the last installation of this ginormous list-with-reviews of all books I read last year. You must be all aflutter wondering what the final category will be.

So, here’s a list of the books I read last year (or as best I can remember), obviously with substantial commentary.

(All titles link to Amazon, so you can peruse summaries and reviews at your leisure. I don’t make any money from the links, I’m just nice like that.)

Transgender Non-Fiction

Just Add Hormones, by Matt Kailey

I liked it. You guessed it. It has a review!

Butch is a Noun and The Nearest Exit May Be Behind You, by S. Bear Bergman

They sounded like great books. I really wanted to like them (I even bought the second one, in case the first time I was wrong). But S. Bear Bergman’s writing just did not sit well with me; so much so that I could not, no matter how hard I tried, finish either book. They are written as a series of short essays on hir’s life, first as a Butch, then as a – let’s call it genderqueer FTM – because I’m not sure how ze labels hirself now, but it’s a good approximation to give you an idea.

I honestly don’t like to disparage books without giving a good reason. Alas, all I can say is they were boring, predictable, not all that funny, and rather rife with transgender and other queer terminology yet lacking any substance. At least for me. Maybe you will find them more meaningful. (I really want to give the books a chance!)

The Transgender Child, by Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper

Somehow I thought this was in my Resources section, so I’ve added it now. This and the book below – Gender Born, Gender Made – should definitely should be the first book any transgender-aware parent, educator, or health provider reads. Containing both information and comprehensive strategies to accommodate transgender children on their journey, it covers ample ground with straightforward, straight up information.

Gender Born, Gender Made, by Diane Ehrensaft

Though not related, to me this book was sort of a continuation of The Transgender Child. It builds upon the most recent knowledge of transgender, genderfluid, gender non-conforming, and generally playful children, and how we should approach their issues when still living in a sometimes unwelcoming world. Though it is clearly aimed towards mental health, medical, and social service providers, it covers a lot of ground. This book, and the book above, should be on every transgender-themed bookshelf.

Non-LGBTQ Themed

Passing, by Nella Larsen

I explained in a previous post what inspired me to read this book.

Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Aspergers, by John Elder Robison

While not queer-themed, this is written by the brother of Augusten Burroughs, author of Running with Scissors, which is queer-themed. Two degrees of queer separation! Despite the connection, this book (and the author) can stand on its own, as it’s filled with an unbelievable mix of adventures detailing John Elder’s life, all of which are true.

Moreover, I’ve been interested in reading about Aspergers because a lot of people in the Asexual community (and the same has been said of FTMs), are non-neurotypical Aspies. I took that as a good opportunity to learn about something I knew nothing about, because learning is what it’s all about.

Sybil, by Flora Rheta Schriber

This was the second time I read this book, the first being when I was in high school (dare I say, ten years ago). Needless to say I’ve learned enough about life, Freud, and the ridiculousness of 1960′s psychoanalytic school of thought, to both laugh at and be enraged by the anti-feminist-oedipal-penis-envy-primal-scene nonsense sprinkled generously throughout the pages. The debate of whether it’s a hoax notwithstanding, the story of Sybil, a woman with 16 split personalities, is itself an entertaining, engaging, and thought-provoking – quite the learning experience. Did I mention I was a psychology major in college?

Exhaustive

This list might not look like much, but that’s because you haven’t seen Part 2 (and possibly Part 3). Don’t worry, I already wrote it all, so there’s no chance of empty promises. And I promise you, it’s looooong.

Here it is: my shiny new prescription for Testosterone.

Please ignore the prescription amount. The pharmacy gave me cream and not gel, so while it's an approximation, I really have no clue how much I'm taking.

Indeed, this whole question around testosterone has been plaguing me for quite a while. I was surprised to find the exact musings of this past month echoed in the archives of some ancient posts I wrote a long time ago. For almost a year now, not only have I been outlining the pro’s and con’s, examining each and every possible outcome, and meticulously mulling it over and over and over and over again – I hadn’t yet come to a definitive conclusion. Nor have I, still.

And that’s the magic of hormones. They aren’t an all or nothing kind of thing, like surgery. You take a little bit, observe; take a little more; observe some more. Days, weeks, months, or even years later, if and when you’ve reached your goal, or you freak out, you simply stop. True, some effects are not reversible, but for me the big NO-NO’s are very clear, while the Yes’s and Maybe’s are fuzzier. And hormones are fuzzy.

This I discovered with the help of a friendly therapist I’ve been seeing during my break (because even though I was on a blogging break, my thoughts did not stray far from this gender business). This is my first time in therapy (that actually counts), and honestly I’ve found it quite helpful. It’s not about having a mind-blowing revelation each week; rather, it’s just comforting to hear these things from someone other than me. There’s reassurance in having my thoughts and instincts validated, in hearing that my ongoing doubts are real – but not catastrophic – and in realizing that if I truly think it through, step-by-step, I already know the answers.

Let’s go back to how long I’ve been considering testosterone. The fact that my interest hasn’t waned in so long is an indication that this is more than simple curiosity. There is something that keeps drawing me to it, something I want from it, something that I need. When I sat down to think about it, however, I came up empty. I don’t really need Testosterone, I’d say to myself. Because yeah, in a void, I don’t inherently desire anything it provides.

But we don’t live in a void, and that’s the catch. We live in society, which usually perceives me as not-male; ergo, as female. This bothers me enormously. This is exactly what I still want to change; it’s exactly that something I’m still looking for; it’s my unanswered question of “What do I want?”

For starters, I am utterly confounded as to why or how people see me as a female, since there is nothing there to indicate that I am one. But there is not much to indicate I am male either. And I’d much rather be perceived as not-female than as female. Which leads me to the only other option: being perceived as male.

Now, this is not about actually being male, or being perceived as male. It’s simply tilting the scales towards non-femaleness. In my case, approaching a sort of androgyny of this kind requires some de-feminization, which roughly translates to masculinization.

Is this a need? Is this justified? It doesn’t matter. It’s enough that I want to do it. For me, it has more and more become a need – not a physical need, but a social need.

So I’m going to take it day by day, week by week, month by month. If at any point I see the tiniest sign of something I’m not comfortable with, or my hesitation crosses a threshold, I can stop, and that’s that. If at any point I see that my body is changing, and I’m happy with the changes, or I don’t mind the changes, and I notice that people are perceiving me differently, I can keep going. When the ratio of perception shifts from 80/20 to 60/40, or to 40/60, or to 20/80 I will smile on the inside, because that is indeed what I want. And if testosterone is going to get me there (and therapy is nudging me along), so be it.

(PS: Thank you dear reader for letting me post this, I do hope other people will find it useful.)

Question

i just wanted to tell you that i’ve been reading a lot of your posts and that they have helped me immeasurably. there is very little online about non-binary trans people and their body/social dysphoria; that makes me feel a little lonely, sometimes. so your blog is awesome!

i’m having trouble with my chest, i guess. not when i’m naked, not when i’m alone (or alone with my partner). i only have trouble with my chest when i’m in public. i consider top-surgery now and then, but i know i’d miss my breasts when naked and alone. when i’m naked and alone, i feel whole.

i think you’ve been in a place similar to this place. i guess this message is asking for reassurance that this place is real, that real people have gone before me.

The Two Needs

I relate to what you say in some ways, but not in others. Let me explain.

People often say gender is entirely a social construct. They posit: “if you were on a deserted island, would you feel the need to transition?” My answer: yes. I never wanted breasts, never liked having them. When I was clothed, I bound my breasts as flat as possible. Alone and naked, I felt constant unease, uncomfortable in my own skin. I saw myself in a way that was deeply incongruous with my current body. This was all before I had even heard the term transgender, let alone let in sink in.

So you see, I never had a “complicated relationship” with my breasts. The decision to get top surgery was very straightforward. And now I feel a great relief that my biological unit is in line with myself.

On the other hand, I am grappling with the idea of hormones. This is because people currently perceive me as a certain gender, and I would very much like to influence that perception in a different direction. There is a solution to this problem: Testosterone. More and more I feel the need to take it, because of this need I have for other people to perceive my gender a little “more correctly.” However, if I were on a deserted island, would I consider taking T? Probably not. It’s not so much a biological need as it is a social need, but for me, it is more and more becoming a need. And let’s face it – we are social beings, and social perception matters to everyone, a lot.

Moreover, I can point you to other people who struggle with the exact same dilemma you have. Among them are other transmen, non-binary trans* and genderqueer people of different flavors, and lastly, Butches. I’ve read a lot of blogs, stories, articles, and books, on the complicated relationship a butch has to hir/her chest. They love ‘em but they hate ‘em. Some end up binding, some get top surgery, some still struggle, and some come to acceptance. This is a running theme in S. Bear Bergman’s books, both Butch is a Noun and The Next Exit May Be Behind You ^(*). You can also try reading blogs by butches, non-op transmen, etc. A few that I recommend are Butches A-Go-Go, Just Another White Woman, and any blog mentioned in her Liebster post here or her blogroll (she’s nice too, so maybe we can ask her for more).

Lastly, I’ll say surgery is a process. Part of the process is all that stuff that happens inside your head before you do it. In the end we might end up in the same place, but how we all get there varies vastly. There are as many paths as there are people, and only you can set your own path.

The Moral of the Story

i guess what i can really take away from this is that body dysphoria and social dysphoria are different things, but they both need to be taken seriously.

Exactly that.

(*) Little Footnote: As for those books, I’ve made a genuine attempt to read both of them, and haven’t been able to finish either. I found them quite tedious, and maybe they’re just not my thing, but they didn’t really speak to me. I can’t recommend them other than for the reasons above.

To all my old readers: I’m glad you’re still here! Your encouragement and enthusiasm fuels my efforts and keeps me going.

To all my new readers: Welcome! Poke around and feel free to post your ideas, ask questions, and expand your mind. I’m quite friendly, and so is everyone here.

To everyone: Thanks for sticking around! I wish you all the very best.