On January 7 2012 I started Testosterone, and January 5 2013 was my last shot.
The reason I stopped T this time was because of my hysterectomy. More estrogen and less testosterone encourages faster healing, so my surgeon recommended suspending T for a few weeks if I felt comfortable doing so.
In my previous grapples with testosterone, I was always looking for an excuse to keep going. This time, however, I was looking for an excuse to stop. To be honest, I’ve been perfectly comfortable with the changes over the past 6 months, even after switching from cream to injections. But I had recently started questioning whether the time had come to be done with it all.
I guess I found what I had been looking for, which has ironically become clear after the fact.
The muscle gain was astounding. My voice dropped to a more androgynous range. I’m still “ma’am” on the phone, but not in person. I swear my fingernails grow a lot faster now.
Yet it’s not just my voice. Something has else changed, something subtle. Across the board people are perceiving my gender as teetering on the edge, yet unsure on which side. The ambiguity of my gender is more pronounced.
Testosterone masculinizes you. But I never set out to become “male.” I needed that masculinization to make me less feminine, and that’s what I’ve gotten. Some people still confidently see a girl, some unwaveringly see a boy. But for the most part, I get a lot of confused looks, awkward pauses, and way fewer pronouns. I’m just a person now, and this, in a sense, is much more me.
- 09/27/11 Testosterone, Part 1
- 09/29/11 Testosterone, Part 2
- 01/11/12 T&T
- 04/11/12 Testosterone: 3 Months
- 06/07/12 A Letter To My Family
- 06/15/12 Testosterone: 4.5 Months
- 10/15/12 Testosterone: Our Rocky Relationship
- 10/24/12 Testosterone: 9 Months